to my arch nemesis

I admit I haven't been doing my daily pushups lately, unless you count the bicep curl motion it takes to transport fries, chocolate, and sour patch kids into my mouth. I need to cut this crap out unless I want to let my King-of-Sparta physique go. After a month of Keysi Fighting Method, I can totally pass for Leonidas' doppelganger, I swear, or at least the understudy of his third cousin in an off-off-Broadway play.
















(This. is. AGENTINGGGG!)

Though as a disclaimer, I must tell you that as a little girl of nine, I never hunted wolves in the frozen tundra.

I hunted with wolves, b*tches!











(This is me and Grendel in a victory hug after scaring the bejeezus out of a squirrel.)













(This is Grendel wearing a hat made of said squirrel after it died of natural causes.)


But you know, hunting was just the first step of my training. Saturday morning I've got KFM again, the most efficient fighting style out there--which makes sense since it's the street version of Jeet Kune Do, and we all know Bruce Lee's the man. Years ago, I used to look up Jeet Kune Do moves on our dialup connection and practice punching the door in our basement (the door won). BUT LOOK AT ME NOW--I needed to buy new shirts today because my muscles were just bursting through.

But really. I should stop talking about KFM here on teh interwebs. My arch nemesis could be stalking my page as we speak, in search of my weaknesses or vulnerabilities. Joke's on him though, because I DON'T HAVE ANY! moo ooh ooh ah ah ah.

Well, unless you count sad stories.

Despite my rippling, veiny exterior, inside I'm actually really a mush. Sure, I love happy stories--the memory of which will keep me giddy and mushy for the next 3 months.

But a tragedy, that's my kryptonite.

Those stories will break my heart over and over for the next 10 years. It's just ohh so close but aghh why can't he just make it home in time to save his wife and son before the legion rapes/burns/hangs them both?! why'd he have to turn around and take an arrow to the heel at the last freakin second?! why can't she just get past his pedophilia and see the broken--albeit, old--lover within?!***

Maybe it's just me, but I think tragedies haunt us, lasting longer in the heart and mind than happy endings.

SO, ARCH NEMESIS. If you really want to break me down, why don't you send me an awesome query, followed by an awesomely tragic manuscript--yea, yea you do that!

I'm by the slush pile. Waiting. With my Kleenex.

What about you? What's your weakness when it comes to books?
***(bonus points if you guess my top three favorite films/novels)